4 Qualities the Best Dating Pictures Have in Common
While there is no totalitarian edict proclaiming what sorts of photos you can include in your dating profile, there are some good general guidelines that you can follow for a successful dating profile.
They’re Photoshopped to the Point of Making you Unrecognizable
Generally, the best dating pictures that you can find are either completely photoshopped, or show you 5 years ago before you put on 50 pounds because of that crisis you endured. This ensures that when you actually go on a date, the person who messaged you will not recognize you.
They Show you In a Group of Friends and No One Knows Which One You Are
It’s also a good idea to include pictures where you standing with a bunch of your friends, your dog, your kids, and if you’re a guy, you want at least one topless photo of yourself posing with a car. This is especially advantageous if the car belongs to someone else.
They Contain Descriptions that Contradict the Actual Pictures
The best profiles include images that directly contradict self-descriptions. For instance, if you weigh 300 lbs you should claim that you are “fit” and “toned”. If you’re a man, you should indicate that you’re not interested in overweight women by saying something pithy like “no fatties.” This technique increases in effectiveness the more out of shape you are.
They Have Pictures of You With Your Exes Cut Out
One effective technique for the ladies, it to include images of themselves with their ex-boyfriends, where the ex-boyfriend has been completely scrubbed from the picture, but it’s still apparent that you’re embracing someone. This lets other men know that you were once the object of another man’s attention, and this man has been both literally and figurative carved out of your life. Some dating sites and apps will allow you to comment on the picture. You should say something like “I cut the asshole out of this picture, but I look really hot in that dress” or something like that. This will indicate to others that you have absolutely no residual baggage or hurt feelings, and that you’re ready to move on to your next adventure.
3 Qualities of the Best Dating Profiles
Moronic User Names
The best dating profiles have users with usernames that are all based on some variation of “sexy princess xoxo”. If “sexy” or “princess” or “xoxo” is not in the user’s name somewhere, I would definitely steer clear of that profile. Likewise, men with vaguely sexual sounding names like “cunninglinguist69” or “licketlysplit666” are going to be excellent choices for the ladies. If you’re wondering if your next date is going to be capable of finding your clitoris, well these fellahs will, according to them.
You’re going to want to also let everyone one know that you love to laugh, because there are quite of few people out there that just can’t stand laughing, and I may not be interested in someone who actually likes laughter.
If you work hard and you play hard, you’re going to need to let people know that. Some people play hard, but they don’t work hard, and some people work hard, but they don’t play hard, and others actually neither work nor play hard. Still others work smart and not hard, and these are all very specific and revealing things that others are dying to know.
Ostentatious Pretentious Demands
Another great thing to specify is that you refuse to speak to people who don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”, because whether or not a typo has happened is a remarkably accurate predictor of the future success of a relationship.